Am I Crazy?

Yes. Yes, I am. As I am the common fool...
I have waited with bated breath for three years... at least with the dream of the possibility. Now, even that is lost.
You probably wonder why...
IT'S BECAUSE BOYS SUCK. And girls confuse me. So where does that leave me?
Single.
Miserable.
And almost loving it in a nostalgic sort of way...
So for three years I settle with just phone calls, most of which were for relationship advice. Of course I'd help, and ironically enough the advice I usually gave was never the advice I'd give to myself. Instead I torture my self in dreamland over the possibility that I might someday have a chance.
At least until a few weeks ago. I got a phone call... 3 am. He was on break from work... and wanted to give me the wonderful news!
He and his girlfriend who he loves so much are having a beautiful baby together.
And to my surprise, I wasn't jealous of her.
I just hated him. I hated him for hurting me... I hated him for not giving me a chance... and worse, I hated him for lying to me and telling me that he loved me.
I know he didn't. Maybe once... but... not long.
Now I'm on meds. Not over this guy though. Surprisingly enough he is the least of my problems at the moment.

Things actually are a bit more tragic than that. It's funny, it sounds like I'm trying to have the worst life ever... but really I don't, and I know this. I have a great life and lots of things to look forward to... this is just my outlet. You. Whoever is reading this... I guess I hope sometimes at least for empathy... so I know I'm not the only one.

The most tragic part of my life at the moment, is Ray. Or the absence thereof...
Ray was a beautiful friend of mine. He hung himself last February. He didn't leave a note... just a t-shirt covered in fresh oil paint as though he'd been painting, and a blank canvas.
It's funny when someone you love dies. You just think they've gone away. It's nearly impossible to wrap your mind around the concept that they are gone.
I had a dream once that he said he was still here. That he didn't die... I thought the dying part was only a part of the dream too. So when I woke up, I rolled over and grabbed my phone to call him and tell him about my crazy dream.
That's when it sets in. When you realize that there is no way for you to talk with this person... there is no way for you to physically contact them. This means you can't hug them, you can't hold their hand, and you can't look them in the eye and tell them how much they mean to you.
Because they're dead.
You're too late.

My doctor put me on mood regulators. It helped with other emotions, but when it came to Ray, no pill could make it hurt less. I still miss him oh so much.

One thing good can come out of something like this...
Now, when you really love someone, you take the chance to let them know while you still can.
You cherish every piece of them as if they too may be gone soon. Most people don't really appreciate the people around them who really love them, until they're gone. Cliche I know... but that's what the holiday seasons are for. Being cheesey and open and not giving a crap... because it's okay to show people you care at least once a year no matter how introverted you may be.

So to all of you (you know who you are) who have been there for me in any way... whether it's dealing with my messiness, being family to me, helping me through the hard times, or even just corresponding by e-mail at some point so I know there's someone else out there....

Thank you.
I love you all :)