December 10th, 2005
Current mood:
content | So.. I tried to make a drunk entry, but either my computer froze, or I drank myself so retarded that my brain couldn't function properly enough to post it... so, now I'm sober, and I'm pulling an all nighter thanks to my meds that keep me awake. I'm in a pretty good mood, especially considering the mood I was in when writing the last entry... So.. it's now Christmas time. At least according to corporate businesses that advertise the holiday this early. But to me.. when it snows, and it's December, it's Christmas Season. Christmas makes me quite happy most of the time.. sometimes I find myself a little lonely, but I think that right now I'm pretty content with happily living in the moment depsite the my recent streak of bad luck. Even though I sometimes find myself hoping for a miracle... the miracle that he will return and bring everything back to the way it was, I am now happy with at least the memory of then. Wherever life bring me, wherever I go, whether our paths meet again or not, I'm satisfied with having lived that happiness... and with the possibility that I can at least maybe find that happiness on my own... in myself. There's always the dream of him, or maybe the dream of someone who could surpass those ever so high expectations.. but I know that the experience was a gift to only leave me with the best.. in a place where I can truly be happy. The hardest part is finding that happiness in just living through every day, with someone or not, in myself. I know I'm capable of it... if I can go as far to expect it from someone else then I have to be able to expect the same in myself. So I'm trying. I know soon enough, if it was all real, that I'll be able to achieve this. I see my dad tomorrow. I might even be able to go and visit my cousin Nada and her daughter Kaylun in Syracuse. When I saw her for the first time in 3 years a few weekends ago.. it was awesome. It reminded me what family really was. She is my blood.. we are so close. I didn't realize HOW close till we spent time together. I actually felt at home.. somewhere that I belonged as no one else but myself. It's the most fulfilling feeling in the world. I went to see 'The Final Note' play tonight at the Blue Frog Coffeehouse. It was a great show. It awakened my innerself once more as it did the first time I went to their show. I was happy again. Happy with just being alive. You really can tell when a musician is truly a musician when their music leads you through the transition from one extreme emotion to another. If it makes you reallly feel something... then it is truly music. I'm gonna go now so I can watch a movie with Adam. I'm at his house right now... and he's gonna try to pull the all nighter with me. So.. away I go to watch movies till dawn. <3 you all! Peace & Love, Mel Mel. |  |
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