Drunk again pulling an all-nighter. I'm actually getting quite afraid that this is becoming a routine habit of my weekends, See.. It usually begins as soymething fun... with friends and whatnot. Somehow, every time, the alcohol opens a door in my mind.. a totally different frame of thought and emotion. I always throw myself into the sentimental frame of ming... and only can reminisce once I'm completely wasted. I should expect it by now, but somehow it always catches me off guard. It all comes back.
It wouldn't be so hard, but since the majority of my friends are older, they all somehow see me as their age. I know I've been way ahead of the game for a long while now... but I never asked for this pain. Normally people my age haven't passed this terrible understanding and wisdom. I'm not an egotistical bastard or anything.. it's just that I've recently come to realize that I've come a little too far in the average ratio of appreciation and wisdom to years of my existance. I didn't ever ask to be this far ahead... some people tell me it serves me well, and that since I learn so soon, that I can live life later on with more of an understanding of it. I know exactly where they're coming from... but that doesn't even come close to assisting in fixing my current situation.
See.. I live in the moment. The moment is all I have ever had for sure. The past.. is only a memory of what you may have felt before.. but it doesn't assist you in your present emotions, and in fact only scrambles them unless you use it as a factor in setting high, but realistic expectations.
I am a dreamer, so realism doesn't quite play a part in my current life.
The future.. how can we know it will be there? Who can honestly live each day... and be sure that they'll have tomorrow there as a cushion for everything they didn't get around to doing? We never know when out time will end..
So, the present, the moment I am living in now... that is what I thrive off of. I thrive off of my emotions, wants, and needs... not the 'could haves' and 'maybes' ... Now, I know exactly what I feel, I know exactly where I am... but yet, somehow.. these emotions are nothing but ghosts of the past. By the normal framework which I live by, in theory, I should be left empty when stripped of the past and future if my feelings are remnants of either.
But right now, and every time I get to or beyond the point of being wasted... he seeps into my mind and heart. I dream about him, I think about him, & I even sing about him. He completely contorts my framework which each day is built upon. Each moment I live is always somehow connected or parallel with that of a memory of my past.
WHY?

Sometimes I convince myself I want to forget him. Every time I tell myself that I would be so much better without these memories of my past eating away at my every day framework of belief - when I only acknowledge the present, and the memories which taught me some sort of lesson. Now, not only the lesson remains... but everything else along with it from this.. memory.

NO more reminiscing for me.
Made it through the night at least.