It's always easier to write what you want to say looking back on a time. It's nice to be able to revise things, and find the perfect wording to get your emotions across. Unfortunately, life doesn't have a rewind button. There's no way to pause it and sift through similies and metaphors in your mind...
Usually, life comes at you fast. Some people aren't really good with fast paced situations. Some people wished they came with warning labels like, "May induce word vomit".
I'm one of those people. Unfortunately there aren't many prescriptions to cure moments like this. Just funny anecdotes if you're even good at such recovery of sorts.
Finally, one night I stumbled into a bar called "The Lost Dog Cafe". It was by chance. At the time, meeting a stranger seemed as though it wasn't much different. I've come to realize that it was much different... but that's not what I'm here to write about.
I sat down next to him at the bar. At first he seemed just like any other guy I could sit next to at a bar. Then we talked and drank... then we talked and drank some more. And soon I just couldn't help but notice this quiet demeanor of his. His simple soft way of saying "This is life. This is how things are." Generally you'll just sort of take someone's views on things into consideration, but rarely do you take them into high regard.
Throughout the night he quitely listened, and when he did speak I continued to be taken aback by his words. He was just too real for me. He made me swell up inside until my emotions were so wrapped around themselves that I couldn't wrap my mind around them anymore. Soon I couldn't understand or even identify what I was feeling. Everything that used to mean something to me was just flipped upside down and over again. Even looking back on it, I couldn't really tell you what it was. I don't think I even noticed at the time... or even cared. Or maybe for once I just felt alive.
We went back to the music store he worked at around 2 in the morning. Disco lights danced around the room. Images of stars and Northern lights slid across our faces onto the floor. We had failed at buying more beer in time before the gas station stopped selling it. At first I protested... but I quickly forgot.
We played songs for eachother. His voice took me by surprise. It almost put me into this peaceful trance. Some people play just for the sake of playing... but you could tell his music really was a part of his soul. After feeling this... I wanted to feel more.
We layed on the floor underneath the lights. It was one of those rare nights where you could feel everything someone did to you. When they looked at you, smiled at you, touched you... receptive to everything. I liked to feel. It seemed like it had been such a long time.
The next time I came to see him, we went to the Nines Open Mic Night. We played music, he taught me a bluegrass song... we even ran into the band I used to do back up singing with. After that he came to my apartment. He was so grateful for small things... things I usually just practice as common courtesy. After we got comfy we laid down on the couch head to toe and toe to head. I'd never just felt so comfortable and happy at the same time.
Then after that came the moment.
Now... looking back on this, I couldn't tell you half of the things that were said. Somehow they all went straight into me... things that just didn't really need to be repeated. I don't think anyone ever spoke to me like he did, or looked at me like he did... I really never thought anyone could explain things to me on a level I could understand them. No one ever broke through my impenetrable stream of thought. It always seemed to always be keeping me from really ever paying attention or understanding what someone was explaining to me. But when he talked... my mind was clear. Everything came straight through. I was drowsy and drugged with my emotions but I was wide awake at the same time.
And somehow, even though we talked about kissing for a while before it happened, he still managed to catch me by surprise. It came naturally for me to kiss him. At that moment all those emotions inside me came unraveled, and so did I.

Every moment after was etched into my mind and heart. I've never been okay with waiting for someone. I've never been okay with analytical people (they usually annoy me. Severely.)
But for now... for some reason... I'm okay with things. Or maybe I've just smoked too much of that fuckin wild lettuce.









And now... I feel so much love inside of me, that I can't sleep. I hold myself in while I breathe. I try to do everything I can to make it last. I feel smothered, yet free. But the way history repeats itself... sometimes I feel like I'll never really be free.